Here we are. Embarking on the trip of a lifetime. Exciting right? Without a doubt.
This entire expedition and the anticipation… It’s taken a lot of work. A lot of planning. It’s nerve wracking. It fills me with excitement and anxiety. I have always had such a strong feeling of curiosity and openness flowing through me; and now there is the combination of this feeling and my interpretation of ‘others envy’ punching me right in the sweet spots. Yes. I’m leaving behind people I love (and people I haven’t met yet) who can’t come. It hurts. People who may give anything for this kind of trip. People who would love to travel with us. Who, in actual fact, have different amazing lives. I am constantly asking myself: Do I deserve this? What if they need me while I’m gone? What if I am not there for them because I am doing something that I need to do? Is this the right thing? Am I a good human?
The truth is, at some points in my life, I have yearned for what they have, even though they may be yearning for what we have right now… They may not be. All I know for sure is, that for me right now, this is the right thing!
Isn’t it funny how when we have curly hair we want it straight?
That used to be me too, with the hair thing – a story for another day!
Whenever this kind of thing is going on inside me, I always try and delve deeper. Because I know beyond the emotional feelings, are the things I really want. Mind you, getting through the emotions can be a feat in itself.
So why this guilty/anxious & overwhelming feeling?
I know I deserve this trip. I’ve worked my arse off. I have a man, one who rocks my socks, who has worked his arse off for himself and the both of us. We have packed up our house & our lives. We have spent so many hours getting ourselves into this position. There have been ups and downs. We have been going like absolute crazy people. We both deserve this.
This is what my soul yearns for.
So many times recently, I have heard, ‘you’re so lucky’.
(And it’s totally true, although at first in all honesty that made me cranky. We’ve worked so hard. SO hard. How dare we be called ‘lucky’! The harder you work, the luckier you get!)
But I guess, upon an open mind and a reassess, we legit ARE lucky. We live in a free country where choices like this are yours and mine. We have jobs. We are building our own businesses. Following our passions. And we are travelling the world doing it. We can earn and save money. We are not starving. In fact, on a side note, we have the luxury of ordering our bubble food on the plane without too much hassle. I mean, I was just woken from an uncomfortable airplane sleep with whispers of ‘it’s ice-cream & you can eat it!’ Insert love heart eyes here!
I know I was born to discover the world. To discover people. To help in some way. To experience culture. Have ecstatic fun. Be free & naked from the soul outwards! Running thru the fields with the butterflies and the wind in my hair. And this is the beginning.
It makes me wonder why leaving home is so tough. It’s like a tug of war with myself. Things are aching. The heart strings. The emotional strings. There have been tears (not only mine haha) & so many hugs. I keep telling myself we will be back in no time.
And then I realised why I am feeling so challenged. It’s not because there are a few screws loose. Surprise surprise. It’s because stepping outside of the comfort zone and actually listening to your insides is so fucking uncomfortable. In fact, our insides go into overdrive to keep us safe and ‘happy’ and ‘well’. They want to keep us from harm and in the same comfy place we have been before. It’s a known place. We are ‘protected’ there. It can be so uncomfortable outside of this invisible ‘zone’ that a lot of people never find the courage to step out.
Upon this realisation, things are becoming clearer. Going inside is the only place for change and development. Constant awareness and truth around what is yearned for and what is actually ‘safe’. I will miss my crew like anything, but I am always there with them, and will carry them with me everyday too.
After all, we are headed to a foreign country. Foreign countries! Foreign languages. New adventures. I’m nervous, excited and in heaven. Why? Because the moment we step outside of ourselves and our comfortable ‘limits’ is the moment we grow. I am living a reality that I have been dreaming about for a looooong time.
My soul is yearning and my heart is aching in anticipation of the unknown.
See you on the other side ✌🏼️